I ran slow. The snow fell fast. Light and heavy at the same time. I ran for quiet. I ran for thinking. I ran for peace and resolve and purpose. I ran for answers, I ran for wonder. I ran.

Step after step. Beat after beat.

Beat. Step.

Beat.

Beat me up. These times… the hurting and evil people. The innocence lost. We cannot trust in the “innate goodness” of humanity. We cannot trust in our response. We turn our mourning into Facebook arguments on the place of guns and the purpose of government… Yuck.

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I’d make it behave.

And if I were fearless
Then I’d speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That’s what I wish I’d do, yeah*

The snow slushed under my shoes, cold water shocking my toes and then blending warm under wool socks. And the reality of life’s ugly hits my face like a splash and my heart cries out, “I cannot even make my own kids behave! How about a broken world!” I really do wish I could make it behave. I want to stop all the wonder-crushing-beauty-killing people and make them see the light. But I cannot. I can change myself. But I cannot change the world…myself.

Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice!

And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me…*

I just need the rain to remind me. The snow hits my skin and turns to water. Tear trails down my forehead, my burning cheeks, my red lips. Pooling and absorbing into my shoulders and chest. I cannot really absorb what happened in Newtown, Connecticut. I cannot absorb that while I wrap last minute gifts for my six-year-old, others are piling their gifts…that will never be opened. I cannot absorb that my while my kids dream of snow fights and twinkle lights and life uninterrupted, other parents sit waiting, wishing for a blessed interruption to their pain. I cannot absorb the pain. I keep moving. It keeps snowing. I keep moving.

I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time.

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground.

The snow covers white, the brown ground. Jesus says he washes our sins white as snow. I wish it was that easy. I wish the snow could cover the rotting mess of society and make it beautiful again. I wish it could all be washed away.

Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight…

*Lyrics from Sara Bareilles, “Let the Rain.” Which just so happens to make a great addition to any running track.