Do you ever wonder if you really know yourself anymore? Or do you worry you are merely a product of what everyone expects of you?

I do.

A month ago I had the opportunity to take a night off, escaping to the Homestead Resort for a bit of a retreat from normal life. My husband and kids stayed home. And after an evening dinner with other writers I was free.  Free to do whatever I wanted to.

As I shuffled through thick gold leaves, crunching under foot, I recalled a conversation early in my motherhood. Chris asked, “if you had more free time, what would you do with it?” In tears I replied, “I don’t have a clue. I don’t even know who I am any more.” I was told by many people this “getting lost” in motherhood was natural, good and even what would make me the best mom.

Homestead Resort, Midway, UT in the autumn.

While this may be true for some, it was not for me. I slowly died inside. To the point where I wondered if my kids would ever really know the me I knew existed buried somewhere deep inside. I mourned the thought that they might not.

Cause that girl was fun! She laughed often and loudly. She loved to dance and ski and be outside. She craved adventure, rejoiced in dysfunction, and sought the beautiful. She could laugh at herself, rise to a challenge, and dream of something new.

She was a blast.

I returned to my room, swan dived onto the bed (cause why not?!), and let the quiet swallow me. I asked myself, “I have lots of free time before tomorrow afternoon, what shall I do?”

At first, the quiet and disorientation of being truly alone left me thinking, “I have no clue what to do by myself!” I even got into a heated debate with myself about the selfishness involved in taking time to be alone. I mean, I know better than anyone how selfish i am every day, surely I should drown myself in guilt all weekend, right?

But then I embraced my aloneness. I got comfortable in the quiet and after a few moments I recognized that I was no longer coming up empty. And I no longer believed taking time for myself was feeding the “selfish monster.”

I sat down with a good book and enjoyed UNINTERRUPTED bookworm time. 🙂 I went to bed early. I awoke even earlier and watched the sunrise through fog and crystal trees while I ran towards Deer Creek Reservoir. At first the run was so stunning I couldn’t stop smiling and taking photos.  But the cold got the better of me… my eyes watering from the 14 degree breeze and soon the idea of Eggs Benedict at Fanny’s Grill pushed me back to the resort.

Later, road-worn but soul-filled I found myself enjoying the Homestead fudge samples while warming up in a steamy shower. I literally laughed out loud at the dysfunction of my situation. I mean who does that?!

Runners do, trust me. 🙂

A few simple hours alone and I am not mourning the loss of that fun girl. I am that fun girl. Who happens to be a homeschooling mom also. But that isn’t who I am. It is so easy to let ourselves be defined by what we do, or don’t do. But we are so much more than that.

It reminds me of these song lyrics:

Let me go
I don’t wanna be your hero
I don’t wanna be a big man
Just wanna fight with everyone else

 

Your masquerade
I don’t wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else

– “Hero” by Family of the Year