The snow is spitting outside and for the first time in weeks I have time to sit down and put pencil to paper, thought to expression.
This season of life has been intense. But really, when kids are involved, aren’t they all intense? Fun, fulfilling, meaningful, but… intense. Having a now 13 year old, I’ve spent the last ten years of my life in some sort of phase of physically exhausted. I had a brief 6 months where I thought to myself, “we’ve turned the corner! Parenting is getting easier!”
Then we launched into the tween years. I am now resigned to the fact that I will spend the next 10 years of my life emotionally exhausted. Some days we are soaring on the wings of victory, joking with our kids, remarking that these people really are our best adventure buddies. And other days my neck aches from the whiplash of bipolar teenage emotions. Happy. Sad. Hyper. Exhausted. Anxious. Carefree. And often all these things, all at once!
I wrote the other day:
But nothing, NOTHING helps us pursue our kid’s hearts and unites us as a family like FUN. Laughing. Hooting and hollering. Leg burning. Smile stretching. All present. FUN
A friend said to me this summer, “Our parenting philosophy is easy. Raise your kids to be people you like being around.” Sounds easy, eh?
But let’s be honest, if you are at all like me, then you’ve had those moments where you are wondering if you like your own kids. You find yourself scheduling “breaks” from parenting them, time to get out and do the things you love.
If you’ve been around this blog long enough, you know I am all about finding a healthy balance in parenting. Them time vs. you time. Time NOT driving places (this is a big one). Time getting outdoors and doing the things you love, not letting parenting keep you in a house, behind a sink, pushing a vacuum.
While much of this remains true, over the last two years I realized my momming heart needed a transformation. I need to change my vision for myself, let go of the things I claimed as mine, and invite the kids in. I needed to adapt.
Here is a quick list of things I have not mastered but am learning:
- I managed toddlers. I managed 2nd graders. By “managed” I mean: set our schedule, told them what we are doing (often fun things, not just business), and executed that plan. In homeschool, I had an education plan for the year, but as they got older they wanted more input and involvement in the planning. If I simply managed my older kids, they resented me for it. Our relationships became strained. They no longer want to be dragged along on my plans and my schedule. They want to have input into what we do with our time. This inevitably means I need to set my wants and agenda to the side. Older kids start to inform your family identity, interests and how you spend your time. Weaving their interests into the whole family is necessary.
Older kids has allowed us to go on some amazing adventures. All the time on the bunny hill is paying off!
- Older kids have insanely busy schedules and the cultural pressure to have those busy schedules is intense. My number 1 role in my family currently is defensive position; protecting our time. And it is exhausting. Figuring out what to say yes to, what to say no to…what is best.
- It is hard and messy if I truly lean into parenting my teen through the hard moments. And to be honest, when I turn to culture around me the answer seems to be “save yourself, stick them in a ton of activities, distance yourself from your kids for sake of self-survival.” And that feeling of needing to “protect yourself from the seemingly real threat of your child” is a very real feeling. But I’ve never ever regretted lean into parenting my kids through the hard moments. Distancing myself has never brought about good results.
Finding something your child is passionate about and a team or club that is a good influence is such a blessing. Night time races at Brighton Resort with the Silverfork Skimo Team.
- Find other families who are drawing closer to their kids, enjoying true friendship with them, prioritizing time together, and stick to those families like glue. We all need a community to stay the path. In that vein, as we negotiate saying yes to more things like team sports, clubs, activities, etc – I am always asking myself “is this community not only good for my teen but for the whole family?” Between carpools, practices, games, and camps, a lot of time is spent with the coaches, kids and their respective families. Are they an encouragement in healthy thinking and behavior? Do they value the same things you do?
As our kids get older, allowing them greater freedom has been scary but also so fun to watch. Our kids are hiking up to the golf course to ski and build a jump.
- My kids want a relationship with me. They can tell if I am faking it. Not long ago one of my children gave voice to this, “I know you love me, you always say that. But do you like me?” Eek! There is a difference friends. And we all know our own hearts. Your kids want a relationship with you. They will want to stay up later and later at night, talking about huge life problems you feel completely inadequate to answer. Your kids want a relationship (Notice a theme?) with you. So you don’t need to have black and white answers anymore. You need to listen. And honestly, I am horrible at this. Usually I am thinking, “Can we go to bed?” 🙂
Ultimately the greatest thing I am learning is this: Your kids want a relationship with you.
